25 Random things about me

Began on January 30th 7.18 PM

Posted on April 19th 4.28 PM

1. Like a true south indian, I think curd rice, also fondly called 'tachchi mammam' is THE best invention to satiate a hungry stomach any time of the day!

2. Unlike a true mumbaikar, I don't like the rains! Ok, let me rephrase that: I love and truly enjoy the rains when I'm at home idle with a cuppa coffee and a nice book to read or have to go on a non-umbrella protected walk with friends; but at all other times which involve travel, I'd settle for a sunny sunny day.

3. I love to read. Any book, any time and any where. (P.S. I am not a booker/pultizer prize winner book person. Though some are awesome, on a general basis, I like to discover my own gems)

4. I love love. I feel it overrides any other feeling. And I love hugs. No other remedy for a depressing day comes even close!

5. Night is my favorite time of the day.

6. Though I am put off by the length of my name, I love the meaning of it. And I am a big fan of the meaning and ring to 'Kamya'

7. This is the 50th post I've written on this blog. It is a different matter altogether that for reasons unlimited, I haven't published few of the posts I had written earlier.

8. I am extremely proud of the scars on my knee that have increased over the years because of the number of times I have fallen. In my weird little head, the more the scars, the more I have 'lived' and experienced life :)

9. I like Federer over Nadal :) I feel he is the epitome of superiority in a particular field. But I always preferred the unstable struggling Indian cricket team to the (previously) dominant aussies! :D

10. Among the 7 most deadly sins, I am, without doubt, SLOTH!

11. I'm an all or none kind of a person- made of strong opinions and sincere apologies. I don't like ambiguity.

12. I am not a music person; but the times I do become one, I love to listen to awesomely foot-tapping happy songs and I love to scare other people by dancing like no one's watching! :) But my favourite musical instrument is the saxaphone.

13. I am not a city person. Though I will enjoy wherever I am, I can be most comfortable in a gorgeous country-side alone with books but in close reach of friends and people I love.

14. I genuinely enjoy a good debate on a lazy sunday afternoon. I peps up my spirit! :)

15. I love my study experience in the US and all the perks it comes with- amazing room-mates, super friends, night outs, deadlines, working my arse off to finish just 3 mins before deadline, research, and most importantly PHYSIO (re-iterating my geekiness)

16. I can't think of 25 things, however random, about myself in one sitting.

17. I write blogs only on 2 occasions : a) When I am very inspired or affected by happenings around me and b) When I am bored

18. I am technologically challenged. :P

19. I truly believe in the concept of 'gut feeling'. I make my decisions based on those! (which is why most of the time my decisions seem spontaneous... but for me, I take them at that very instant when I am 'inspired'!)

20. I have a horrible colour sense. My room-mates are constantly searching for their sun-shades to avoid direct exposure to my bright 'colour-colour' clothes!

21. I love the sound of waves. My idea of a perfect evening is sitting on the beach looking at the setting sun and listening to the water.

22. I am not a miss goody 2 shoes! I am not a saint and I don't pretend to be one. And I can be a pain to people closest to me!

23. I love using exclamation marks while writing sentences. I feel that is one punctuation that truly portrays (my) enthusiasm!

24. I cannot draw/paint/sculpt/be creative to save my life!! I do write once in a while though.

25. I love the fast-track watch that was gifted to me. I love the tick-tock sound that it makes- for the sound itself and for the fact that it irritates Mr. Chase! :)

Of lost times and unforgettable memories!

This post is inspired. And inspired by something so well-written that I am at a lack of coherent words to describe it. It is an eulogy posted by Krish Ashok about his grandmother.

http://krishashok.wordpress.com/2010/04/15/s-meenakshi-1917-2010/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Feed:+DoingJalsaAndShowingJilpa+(Doing+Jalsa+and+Showing+Jilpa

Its simplicity of thoughts took me back to my grandparents and those magical naive era.

I want to go back to that time:

When my taatha used to sit patiently for hours to feed me and tirelessly carry me on his frail shoulders for his evening walk.

When my bombay paati had tears in her eyes and experienced my success with pride and joy as though it was her own.

When my paati took me to school every morning and I would come running out to find her standing every evening waiting for me, without fail, never late!

When my bombay taatha made me watch insanely boring test matches while he snored away to glory and got up as if by magic, when I changed the channel.

When taatha used to heat water under the sun, for that was healthy, for my evening bath

When bombay taatha used to seat me on his lap while performing his daily pooja and never once complained about the disturbances I almost always caused him.

When bombay paati used to make that rasam, that unforgettable rasam, in the aluminium vessel.

When paati used to tell me long long tales about everything during my lunch time.

When taatha tolerated all the excited bites from an over enthusiastic child.

When I spent a year and a half with bombay taatha after paati's demise- when I could hear his never condeming voice and see his extra-ordinarily adorable actions.

When bombay paati was the personification of strength- mental and emotional- the most highly respected lady in our locality.

When paati always, always protected my from amma's anger.

Those are times that can never be lost. No matter what my age was and what the retention capacity was at that phase of life, these experiences of magic have subconsciously registered are ingrained in me forever.

I cannot reproduce the emotions as those are best left unsaid. I can only be thankful for having being at the receiving end of such unselfish love.

Three of them- my bombay paati, bombay taatha and my madras taatha have attained a higher state of life- This post is dedicated as much to them as it is to my madras paati who still lets me

be a 5 year old and get away with my naughtiness!

Sweet texts; bitter bills!

The problem with always thinking in the present tense is you never realise when it will come and bite you in the future!

Courtesy- My mobile bill for texting!

December times....

My first experience of a december- the most happening month every year for me when I was in India and of a New Year's celebrations- away from home, from family, from people I have been with for as long as my memory can take me....

Things that I missed out on:

1) Being with mom, dad and arvind at the stroke of 12. Dad has this quirk of wanting the family to be the first ones to wish each other at 12.00 a.m. So whether or not we had other plans, we had to stay back in the colony at 12.00. For quite some years I used to hate the fact that I could join my friends for celebrations only after 12.00. But with years passing and maturity dawning, I began to treasure this experience! Nothing can be more rewarding than to know on the first day of the year that you are very loved.

So this year, being in the US, and in different time zones, I truly missed being there.

2) Spending sleepless 31st nights with the closest set of friends I had. I have been with them since school days and for the past 8 years or more, we have welcomed January first, half hung over! :D I missed doing that this year with them. I saw their celebrations in photos on fb. They seemed to have had insane amounts of fun, and even though my insignificant presence wouldn't have been missed, with all the other beings there, I still felt the pinch of being miles away.

3) The colony celebrations- like I mentioned before, I had to stay in my colony until 12.00 a.m. and so I began to look forward to having an awesome time there! And by an awesome time, it meant putting up a whole show for everyone. Right from deciding what sort of entertainment, to sitting for nights before the 31st planning and spending long hours practicing to finally executing it on the 31st, my December days and nights were booked! For 3 years now, we put up 2 dance and a dance cum ramp walk. It was amazing and the bonding during the practice times can never be achieved elsewhere! This year too, I heard they put up a dance show.... and I missed being a part of that so much more than I was missed by them!!! It would have been the best december nights had I been in India...

4) The games organized by the colony folks- I used to love the fact that there was always some activity or the other planned for every weekend in december- right from dum C to the ever awaited treasure hunt! And being in tucson, these weekend masti's and the enthusiasm that goes along with it were sorely missed!!

Things that I gained instead :)

1) The whirlwind (or freefall ;)) that december was... With the semester being so busy, no one really found time to just hang out. But with the winter break, I enjoyed hanging out with a lot of people I've come to know here (some more special than the rest :)). Found out that I havent actually crossed that age of making friends than mere acquaintances, friends, who I am hoping are going to last for a long long time!

2) Power to kill - Some kind soul at the DMV gave me a driver's license :) I took the Instructor's permit after clearing the written test with a centum and then rented out a car and practiced thru the night (literally- went to the DMV at 3.30 to try out parallel parking and then was driven to Campbell point- one of the most captivating places in tucson at 5.00 am!). Then went to the dirver's test the next day to finally obtain the elusive (for the other two who tried with me) driver's license!

3) Living the graduate life- going to lab at odd hours to finish lab work (not that I had much; but I wanted to leave as much time as possible for doing random nothingness! :)) In my last working week, I have gone to lab at 12.00 midnight as well as 5.00 a.m! And the delusion that I've been working hard has left me satisfied! :)

3) My first ever road trip- A full 14 hours one way from Arizona to Tahoe to SFO.... after being the proud owner of an american license, I thought I would be one of the steers of the chevy, but these guys and the fear for their life, did not allow me anywhere near the steering wheel. Nevertheless, it was an excellent road trip.. got to interact a lot with the ppl there and enjoyed myself to the hilt... afterall road trips are made of random conversations alone!

4) Skiing!!!! - I skied for the first time in my life; heck I saw snow for the first time in my life!!! And how! A whole snow covered mountain!!! And skied on it! :) At the risk of sounding a little non- modest, I was awesome!! :D I skied like a natural.. didnt fall off even once... the instructor was proud of me :) Can't wait for another skiing expedition now.

5) First semester- Finished my first semester away from Indian education system with flair :) And enjoyed every bit of it....

6) Went to a gothic pub (and by that i mean a dark sadist fearful place- with skulls and gory posters being commonplace) on the 31st evening for a while- the most scary experience if u enter in unexpectedly.. but I had one of the most memorable times there :)

7) Celebrated the beginning of the year American ishtyle :) Inside a crowded pub, with ppl I intend to hang on to for a long while now!

Overall, life here has not been so bad! :) And its only going to get better!

New Year!!!!!

I strongly believe that what u do on the first day of the year sets the trend for the whole year to come....

And going by this belief of mine, this is going to be a wonderful year beyond dreams! :)

Right from California time 12.00, smiles have not left my face...

Loads to write about about and for the new year; but the first day has zipped past without me having a minute free...

However, I just had to maintain a memory (a good habit recently borrowed from someone) of the 1st of Jan 2010

And hence this hurried blog post :)

Also, not having a spare minute for idle thoughts also is perfect for me! No time to spend on useless worries!!!

I'm sure I'm going to have an awesomely busy, happy and joy and love filled 2010....

And I wish the same and even more for all of you!

As usual.. let each day be filled with love, laughter and life! :)

Insomnia, I guess!

Though pressed for time, just wanted to let this day go down in history as a beautiful day :)

You never know how, when, what, where! All you can do is to enjoy as it unravels!

Where are those rose-tinted glasses!

It is that time of the month again... before ur thoughts go wonga, let me clarify. It is that time of the month again when I am having an exam the next day. So it is not surprising that instead of studying, I am mindlessly blogging.

Why is it only before an exam, an important one, that the most profound realisations strike me and I am left with this intense urge to blabber everything out to my only constant companion- my blog!

And this post is about the very same thought- that my only constant companion has been and from the looks of it, will be, for quite some time now, my blog.

Maybe the reason this post took such a long time to come up with since the actual time of the jolting event was because I couldn't muster up the courage to accept things the way they are. And like almost everyone else, I ended up hoping against hope that if I live in denial, things will change.

A recent development in my friends' lives caught me by surprise. Not the development itself (because the happening of this very advancement has been wished and prayed for and flirted with for eternity), but how I was rudely sheltered out of the information. I have known these people for (as my new prof. puts it) donkey's years! I have grown up with them and shared every little embarassing detail with them. And its been a two way street throughout, with me spending sleepless nights listening to that end of the mindnumbing stories.

And for a long time, life was about mutual acceptance of each others' bullshit until, and I am thoroughly ashamed to admit it, my breakup with my ex ruffled a lot of feathers. My lack of judgement on most part and misundertanding by my friends for the other, strained these precious relationships of mine. But the eternal optimist in me, thought, heck-believed, things are going to get back to the same with my friends and that it is just a matter of time and wound healing. But I guess once a pot is cracked, no matter how much you repair it, the mark always remains and the water always leaks. ( My attempt to be philosophical makes me sound like a bitter, unsuccessful potter instead!)

Anyhow, moving away from the potter's wheel, and getting back to the story, the fact that such a happy happening in my friends' lives was kept away from me has entrenched into me that I have been gracefully asked to move on. And it has taken me a whole week filled with aimless staring, outburts to mom, living in denial and innumerable random romcoms to come to terms with this fact.

This post, though still stirs up cranky demons, thankfully does not flag hopes nor optimism and safely leads me away from that line of thought. And after just a week, and with a whole 12 hours before my exam, I am finally being able shake it off, move on and get my fingers make coherent words. All these, finally with a realisation and complete acceptance of the current scenario in my life.

And that awakening and humbled acknowledgement being:

I am here, in a land far away from home, having way too many aquaintences to count and having my blog as my only friend. But at the same time, having a family to die for, having amazing learning opprtunities and having self realisation potential. And I guess this solitude is much needed for both experiencing the joy that learning brings; and finding myself for who I truly am and creating my own niche in this world.

And maybe I am beginning to see a silhouette.

Through rose tinted glasses

Listening to Sax on youtube, my heart wells up with emotion. It is such a gorgeous day outside. The weather is perfect. The cloud cover is just right. The temperature is the most comfortable. And this makes me think- how only the Almighty can achieve such perfection!

It amazes me how the most basic things like experiencing the climate, sitting underneath trees, taking a walk on moist grass can make joy bubble inside. You have a involuntary smile plastered on your face. You can't help but be happy in such a mirth filled cocoon.

To add to this perfection would be to be able to share this with the one you love the most! To be able to hold hands and walk would, for me, be the most fulfilling experiences. Call me a mindless romantic, but being that is so much better than not being able to enjoy these pleasures life offers!

While watching a movie yesterday, there was one line in that which said "When you find the right one, you hands will just Fit". Maybe I want a hand that fits....

Whispering wishes

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts,

I wonder about the time when beauty was not lost.

When there flowed beautiful rivers and streams,

When the smoke grays were flowery mauve and greens.

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts,

I wonder about the times when happiness was not lost.

When there were children all around, well and agile,

When going by the beach would’ve been enough for a smile.

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts,

I wonder about the times when honesty was not lost

When stealing and lying was just fantasy,

When justice was not a scorned on ecstasy.

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts

I wonder about the times when love was not lost

When everyone shared and hugged and respect gleamed,

When peace was not just another dream.

Whoa!!! Unexpected realization!

I just saw photos put up by N on Fb. It was the engagement pics of Amu's sister. All of them were there attending the wedding, all decked up, all so happy! I was elated seeing the pics and I actually felt a part of the festivities.

And then after going o'er the pics numerous times- I stopped- wondered what got on to me to actually keep looking at the same ones so many many times?? I realised then I was trying to live the celebrations through the photographs. Thats when it hit me- I was missing these idiots of my life so much!

If I would've been there, I would've also enjoyed everything from the Mehendi function to the marriage to the reception and the numerous in between arbit bakwass! But then I am here, sitting in lab, in between experiments and missing everything!

Life here didn't seem bad at all, in fact I was (I still am) sooper enjoying it. But the feeling of being home and enjoying these moments with the people you've literally grown up with is so very different. And for the first time after coming to the US, homesickness has hit me.

I wasn't consumed by it for so long, partly because of the nice set of people and the fun times I have here but mostly because of lack of realization of what I was missing back home! And this realization dawned on me when I saw those photographs sans me!

It was taken for granted that whatever photos were posted by N on FB, if it included my group of buddies, I would also be there, standing, grinning so happily to be a part of such an awesome set of people! And this time, I was left searching for the small little me amidst those photos!

Hmmmmmm, whattado! So I go back to my experiment and try to find littly joys in my proteins! :)

Pre-exam bull***t

I post as Kaleidoscope and I realized I haven't really lived up to the name. I don't post on diverse topics and the different colours of life. I haven't written about Obama winning the Nobel, or about the newest film. But then, I post only when something inspires me enough to ramble about it. And maybe nothing has impressed me lately- not even the Nobel decision. I didnt care either way somehow. I should! Wow this is too much apathy! And I will change that. But maybe from the next post!

Anyhow- getting back to me point-Small things over here make me smile and other small things make me cringe... but then.. nothing has yet made me sit up and take notice (ok ok - I can't honestly say 'nothing' ;); one has certainly impressed me enough to want to write; but more about that in another post; when control over my social sensibility has gone for a toss).

And nothing seems to be making me wake up from this unending day dream. For me life here seems like a surreal experience. I get this psychedelic feeling that this is not me but someone else living my life here.

Everyone warned me so many times before coming here that I was going to be home sick and I was going to cry for days on end; I haven't got myself to resign to that fact that its been two months and I haven't felt like crying. I haven't really felt homesick. I have accepted this new life style readily. I come to my apartment and I feel a sense of belonging- like I was almost meant to be there. I wonder if I have really acknowledged this place and the how different it is from home. Because according to everyone's words, the moment that realization would have hit me, I would have been inconsolable. And I am not!

And so I end up feeling day after day the constant pressure that the realization of this not being 'home' would dawn on me. Its like sitting on a time bomb waiting to go boom. It feels weird and it feels weirder to write all this and still not arouse that feeling of 'Oh! Where have I ended up'. But its not bad not to feel that way as long as life remains the same - filled with laughter.

I have noticed one little thing though- I write so much on a blank screen only a day before my exam. And I keep pushing away my books to feed the need for writing mindless rubbish! So, like usual, I shall dismiss these words as psycho babble arising out of nothing but pure inertia of not wanting to study!

Guys are slow- We are obviously a superior race! :)

Courtesy- Faddu's friend! Maybe this statement was copyrighted (As it deserves to be); but I couldn't risk the world not reading it. And when I compared- getting sued for infringement of copyright seemed nothing! :)

Biting my tongue

This post is just to take back what I had written in one of my previous posts- Of Crushes and Intezaars:

There are really really smart guys still alive!!! And they are single!!!! And they will go out on a date!!! Only glitch here is.... They wont with me!

Damn! I don't take back my words after all! :P

The stars and stripes of joy

This post was supposed to be written some time ago.. 6 days ago precisely; when I got out of my lab late evening and the words captured me on my short walk back home. But the absolute masti that goes on with roomies after I reach home prevented me from being able to even switch on the laptop, let alone blog!

But it would have been unfair to those words if they didnt see the light of the blog page! So here I go, with less than 16 hours to go for my second exam- my most unprepared one till date (except the numerous ones back home :)), sitting in my lab, at the risk of being reprimanded by my professor for my joblessness, creating inordinately long sentences and finally begin writing this post! (Phew- that took some skill to come up with! :)). So here goes nothing:

Walking out from morgue like temperature into sunlight,

Thawed by the evening sun gentle and bright,

I think and wonder of the different life I lead here

And I want to recollect all the experiences I've had before they smear!

The nervousness entrenched stay in the first few weeks

Filled with all kinds of observations and new discoveries,

The people, the places, all nice and new,

Making me believe life's not that askew!

Then starting an exciting novel academic journey,

Lab work, courses and earning my first penny,

Numerous number of F**K ups and embarrassment,

But ultimately walking out of the pipet room triumphant!

Later loving and sharing with roomies not so few,

Mock fighting and bizzare teasing as friends would do,

Falling for every second guy I meet,

Living the single life ever so sweet!

Insane and carefree masti all through the weekend,

Later struggling with no proper sleep for days on end,

Going for long midnight walks and talks before an exam

And wrapping up the test thinking 'damn damn damn!'

Celebrating both pot luck festivals and poker scandals,

Interspersed with spontaneous birthday parties and magic candles,

Enjoying pool parties and tucson sky sooper,

Spending nights in absolute drunken stupor!

Now writing this poem with a half eaten brownie in hand

Letting the small little brain with thoughts expand,

Summoning up the memories of all things I've done here,

I finally realize this unique 'American' experience has been very very, dear!

Dreams and Dream like states..

Dreams can be very very irritating! Especially when they reveal your deepest desires; ones that you have supressed a long long time ago.. and u thought they didnt exist!

After such a particular disturbing dream yesterday night, I am sitting here in my lab with so many things to do and yet all I feel like doing is going back to bed and dream another dream to undo the previous one!!!

The weekend has somehow been a little upsetting partially because I havent completed the targets I set for myself but mostly because conflicting thoughts have been running through my head. And the confused soul that I am, I am not able to place what thoughts are actually affecting me!

The best thing to do in such a situation for a person like me is to get to work, finish off the targets and become a much less cranky a person! But then again, I am not able to move my b**t (literally) off this chair.

The whole crazy thoughts time started on friday with a chat with DVD. The nostalgia hit hard about the old times and how they were completely missing now. And how much I loved those times when they were there!!

Then came the department welcome party- awesome-as I had the perfect 'american' evening out for the first time- party and then billiards and then being driven home ;) But then reality was waiting back home for me... and it was irritating to get back to earth and 'India'.

Then came saturday with its nothingness- partial sleeping bouts and complete uselessness. Then a trip to a year back through 'stories' to roomies. This not only brought back the pain of a year ago but also was the prelude to the dream! Only the dream was kind enough to wait for a day to show up!

Then going to bed on a saturday thinking Sunday is the day of work and getting back on track! But then sundays are never a good day to start work. And not surprisingly the sunday got wasted too.

All this happening in the midst of me making a futile attempt to fill in gaps left by one person with another completely different person and feeling terrible about the fact that 'things are just not the same'. Trying to look for the same friendship and mutual comfort and absolute understanding like that with DVD; with PRS- who though is just as protective and caring and very very nice, can never be the same kind of friend as the mindset is extremely different!

Arrrggghhhhh..... anyway letting it all out to my never changing friend 'my blog' has made this irritaing experience a little better and a Monday morning much more bearable!

Happier posts hopefully sometime soon! (One happy fact is I've got in to the habit of blogging again! :D) (Wow! that actually made me feel nice!)

Thinking of a title; thinking of the content!

I have 3 unfinished drafts, 5 unread chapters and 6 crazy thoughts tempting me to not start a new post. But it is 8 Pm and I'm in my lab and I am bored! I guess that's good enough reason isn't it!

I have no clue why I am writing this post. Generally when I begin writing a post, it is usually an extension of an inspiration I've had at 3 in the night. But I just read a blog about someone's first date. I have no idea who she was and how I got on to her blog (Weblinks can take you places- literally! :D); but it was a wonderful read. And after reading that I realised I haven't gone on a first date in 4 years and more so I realised I haven't blogged in what seems like ages!

And Gosh! Its been so long since I've written a post, that the excitement of my first ever post is taking over!

And now this blog ends.... The excitement that made me begin now seems to have vanished in the calls from home and chats with friends! I started this at 8 and now it is 10 and I have come up with nothing.

So instead of continuing this futile attempt, I will end this one and hopefully begin the next one with more enthusiasm and much less distractions!

Singapoora! :)

My school friends will immediately recognize this title as it has been a cheezy, tacky song sung by them ever since they got aquainted with a Merlion (which sings this stupid song)

The Merlion is the symbol (or ambassador) of Singapore- the small obscure fishing village turned Visitors paradise!! (except for singing Merlion imitations, of course!).

Right from the airport till the entire land of just 710 sq.kms, this country and its facilities makes you feel like royalty!

When I came to know I was to have a 10 hour halt in Singapore, before the connecting flight to San Fransisco, I was aghast to say the least. What will you do... for 10 whole hours, alone, in a foreign land?? Apparantly, loads!!

The airport is one of the biggest and even a complete day of touring will not do justice to it. And the facilities provided are just brilliant.

There are FREE internet kiosks everywhere, and even though you can use it only 15 mins at a time, it is completely worth it (you can keep re-logging in). Then, there is FREE gaming zone (video gamers' and children's heaven- there are PS3s and LAN games), FREE music lounge (the seats have in-built speakers- my friend Sandy would've gone completely insane!), and FREE movie theatre (where Star Movies' films run without advertisement interruptions)....

Btw...Did I mention these were FREE!!!!

To top all this, there is FREE tour of the city for 2 hours provided for by the tourism. You can go for this even without a singapore VISA or a permit!!

I went for the colonial tour which was about the history of this young nation. They took us to downtown singapore where all the office buildings were located. Not one of those buildings were less than 30 floors!!! All kind of architecture was seen! With the modern skyline and bridges with an ancient feel, the whole area was gorgeous. (It was a different story altogether that I saw all these half dazed due to lack of sleep in the flight! :D)

How 10 hours passed, I couldnt even realise! And before I knew it, I was on the connecting flight to San Fransisco, where another shock awaited me!!!

Slowly and Steadily- on to America

Its 9th August today, 4 days of American Life,

But with my Kumar mama snoring away to glory near by and Mallika mami cooking dal and rice, things seems exactly how they would have been on a lazy Sunday afternoon in India.

So in all real terms my journey 'alone' into this 'scary country' hasnt begun yet.

But I like this gradual progression- going to a home away from home, getting adjusted (after days of tummy crying becoz of change of food type), and then shifting to a place of my own!

The feeling that maybe everyone experiences on leaving home hasnt hit me hard yet, but then again maybe I'm one of those pampered few :)

The day I left, while I was walking out of my house to the airport, it struck me that I wont be walking out of my own house doors again in atleast a year! Thats when tears kissed my eyes.

But then like J put it so beautifully, a part of me will always remain there with my closest ones; just like a part of them will always be attached to me on this amazing adventure. And this thought immediately made me smile and set me into this task of beginning the adventure for all of us!

And its been 4 days in to the journey, and I am liking it :)

Beautiful read

These are two most wonderful posts I've read in a long time. Extremely to the point and extremely realistic. There is a lot of revelation in these very simple words. And more than anything, there is hope!

http://lettersforall.blogspot.com/2009/06/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-3.html

http://lettersforall.blogspot.com/2009/06/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-1.html

Clueless

For the past few days.. naah... a few weeks.... ok ok.. to be honest.. a few months... I have been wondering.... about life, relationships and happiness... and the revelation has been disappointing.

Life is not fair

Relationships never last.

Happiness is very temporary.

Life can dole out the worst shit to you and not even feel remorse.

Relationships of any kind come with an expiry date.

Happiness a is feeling granted just to fill in the gaps of eternal sorrow.

The last person who would have been writing these very words a year back would have been me. According to people who have known me, I was optimism personified; guess who's wrong now!

I have been given quite a bit of bitterness in the past months. But that comes after many many years of goodness laid on my platter. And I don't know which is real. What I've had for so many years or what seems justified and very much a part of present world; appropriate to the way everyone potrays people. And I have no clue as to whether there is afterall a middle path.

For sometime now I have toyed with the idea of shunning all dependency. Dependency on friends, on a partner, on anyone. Parents come in a different league altogether so they are out of the equation.

The reason I've wanted to do that is because all I have seen in the past few months is unstability. Any problem arises and I see myself losing another person in my life to the easier way out. And I dont want to stuggle anymore to keep any relationships alive either. I have lost belief in any relationship lasting through tough times. So it seems so much better not to be dependent on something that is never going to last.

The reason I have avoided doing that till now is 1) I was scared whether I could deal with all life's shit alone and 2) It was my utmost belief that humans are, by nature, dependent on one another and that is in no way a wrong gesture. Infact the act of sharing was healthy according to me. It lifted everyone out of abyss.

But at the end of the day I realised one thing.... you are alone! You are all ALONE. You either deal with the fact and act accordingly or keep getting disappointed because of expectation.

I always thought; heck believed, I would never be alone. I thought there will be my trusted confidantes always- even through my troubled times with them; but recent events have brought me to doubt it majorly.

Sure there are a lot of people who can provide solutions to certain problems at different points of time. And there are really nice people.

But when it emotional turmoils- to pull out a person from sorrow, there is no one; only you who has to get a grip. And this comes not from my experiences alone but from the fact that even I wasn't emotionally available to someone who needed me. So there is no truth in having people who will lift you out, not with materialistic solutions but with compassion and love. Having blind trust on someone who will never let go or betray is fairy tale.

The fact is that people, at the end of the day, are afraid of emotions- both their own and others'. And they find it best to feign ignorance in such a scenario. To stop believing such emotions exist is the easiest solution.

The problem arises when you are in touch with your feelings. Then comes the conflicting ideas. The whole world believes something to be non-existent, and even though you know very well it is present for you, you start doubting yourself. And for the want of being understood, you categorise such intense complex feelings into predetermined slots assigned by the world, while your inner belief and conscience is kept muffled.

And at the end of the day end up feeling desperate to convey your choked up emotions to someone who would understand. Not agree, not support, not even console. But just plain understand that such things exist!

And when that is not provided for, you feel dependent on people for the support that you will never get. Then comes the feeling of being clingy followed by the feeling of wanting someone to say what you are feeling is infact ok, not right, not wrong, not insane, just ok. Then comes the lack of self belief in your thoughts and lack of belief in your judgement of a situation. Then comes the eternal confusion of what you feel is right and wrong, what you believe in and what you don't.

The rambling on the post itself confirms my very confused state of mind. I wouldnt mind answers to the numerous questions I am posing. Because even the assertive statements are, in fact, questions. Questions which have become beliefs for the want of answers to prove them otherwise.

Yet maybe, it is just my present state of mind that is making me doubt the eternal goodness I've always believed in. And given time, I will be back to my trusting, believing, happily sharing self again (There comes my optimism- maybe all's not lost). I don't know. What I do know is I would love to have someone to talk to about this. Someone who can instill profoundity in this stupidity.