Clueless

For the past few days.. naah... a few weeks.... ok ok.. to be honest.. a few months... I have been wondering.... about life, relationships and happiness... and the revelation has been disappointing.

Life is not fair

Relationships never last.

Happiness is very temporary.

Life can dole out the worst shit to you and not even feel remorse.

Relationships of any kind come with an expiry date.

Happiness a is feeling granted just to fill in the gaps of eternal sorrow.

The last person who would have been writing these very words a year back would have been me. According to people who have known me, I was optimism personified; guess who's wrong now!

I have been given quite a bit of bitterness in the past months. But that comes after many many years of goodness laid on my platter. And I don't know which is real. What I've had for so many years or what seems justified and very much a part of present world; appropriate to the way everyone potrays people. And I have no clue as to whether there is afterall a middle path.

For sometime now I have toyed with the idea of shunning all dependency. Dependency on friends, on a partner, on anyone. Parents come in a different league altogether so they are out of the equation.

The reason I've wanted to do that is because all I have seen in the past few months is unstability. Any problem arises and I see myself losing another person in my life to the easier way out. And I dont want to stuggle anymore to keep any relationships alive either. I have lost belief in any relationship lasting through tough times. So it seems so much better not to be dependent on something that is never going to last.

The reason I have avoided doing that till now is 1) I was scared whether I could deal with all life's shit alone and 2) It was my utmost belief that humans are, by nature, dependent on one another and that is in no way a wrong gesture. Infact the act of sharing was healthy according to me. It lifted everyone out of abyss.

But at the end of the day I realised one thing.... you are alone! You are all ALONE. You either deal with the fact and act accordingly or keep getting disappointed because of expectation.

I always thought; heck believed, I would never be alone. I thought there will be my trusted confidantes always- even through my troubled times with them; but recent events have brought me to doubt it majorly.

Sure there are a lot of people who can provide solutions to certain problems at different points of time. And there are really nice people.

But when it emotional turmoils- to pull out a person from sorrow, there is no one; only you who has to get a grip. And this comes not from my experiences alone but from the fact that even I wasn't emotionally available to someone who needed me. So there is no truth in having people who will lift you out, not with materialistic solutions but with compassion and love. Having blind trust on someone who will never let go or betray is fairy tale.

The fact is that people, at the end of the day, are afraid of emotions- both their own and others'. And they find it best to feign ignorance in such a scenario. To stop believing such emotions exist is the easiest solution.

The problem arises when you are in touch with your feelings. Then comes the conflicting ideas. The whole world believes something to be non-existent, and even though you know very well it is present for you, you start doubting yourself. And for the want of being understood, you categorise such intense complex feelings into predetermined slots assigned by the world, while your inner belief and conscience is kept muffled.

And at the end of the day end up feeling desperate to convey your choked up emotions to someone who would understand. Not agree, not support, not even console. But just plain understand that such things exist!

And when that is not provided for, you feel dependent on people for the support that you will never get. Then comes the feeling of being clingy followed by the feeling of wanting someone to say what you are feeling is infact ok, not right, not wrong, not insane, just ok. Then comes the lack of self belief in your thoughts and lack of belief in your judgement of a situation. Then comes the eternal confusion of what you feel is right and wrong, what you believe in and what you don't.

The rambling on the post itself confirms my very confused state of mind. I wouldnt mind answers to the numerous questions I am posing. Because even the assertive statements are, in fact, questions. Questions which have become beliefs for the want of answers to prove them otherwise.

Yet maybe, it is just my present state of mind that is making me doubt the eternal goodness I've always believed in. And given time, I will be back to my trusting, believing, happily sharing self again (There comes my optimism- maybe all's not lost). I don't know. What I do know is I would love to have someone to talk to about this. Someone who can instill profoundity in this stupidity.