Insomnia, I guess!

Though pressed for time, just wanted to let this day go down in history as a beautiful day :)

You never know how, when, what, where! All you can do is to enjoy as it unravels!

Where are those rose-tinted glasses!

It is that time of the month again... before ur thoughts go wonga, let me clarify. It is that time of the month again when I am having an exam the next day. So it is not surprising that instead of studying, I am mindlessly blogging.

Why is it only before an exam, an important one, that the most profound realisations strike me and I am left with this intense urge to blabber everything out to my only constant companion- my blog!

And this post is about the very same thought- that my only constant companion has been and from the looks of it, will be, for quite some time now, my blog.

Maybe the reason this post took such a long time to come up with since the actual time of the jolting event was because I couldn't muster up the courage to accept things the way they are. And like almost everyone else, I ended up hoping against hope that if I live in denial, things will change.

A recent development in my friends' lives caught me by surprise. Not the development itself (because the happening of this very advancement has been wished and prayed for and flirted with for eternity), but how I was rudely sheltered out of the information. I have known these people for (as my new prof. puts it) donkey's years! I have grown up with them and shared every little embarassing detail with them. And its been a two way street throughout, with me spending sleepless nights listening to that end of the mindnumbing stories.

And for a long time, life was about mutual acceptance of each others' bullshit until, and I am thoroughly ashamed to admit it, my breakup with my ex ruffled a lot of feathers. My lack of judgement on most part and misundertanding by my friends for the other, strained these precious relationships of mine. But the eternal optimist in me, thought, heck-believed, things are going to get back to the same with my friends and that it is just a matter of time and wound healing. But I guess once a pot is cracked, no matter how much you repair it, the mark always remains and the water always leaks. ( My attempt to be philosophical makes me sound like a bitter, unsuccessful potter instead!)

Anyhow, moving away from the potter's wheel, and getting back to the story, the fact that such a happy happening in my friends' lives was kept away from me has entrenched into me that I have been gracefully asked to move on. And it has taken me a whole week filled with aimless staring, outburts to mom, living in denial and innumerable random romcoms to come to terms with this fact.

This post, though still stirs up cranky demons, thankfully does not flag hopes nor optimism and safely leads me away from that line of thought. And after just a week, and with a whole 12 hours before my exam, I am finally being able shake it off, move on and get my fingers make coherent words. All these, finally with a realisation and complete acceptance of the current scenario in my life.

And that awakening and humbled acknowledgement being:

I am here, in a land far away from home, having way too many aquaintences to count and having my blog as my only friend. But at the same time, having a family to die for, having amazing learning opprtunities and having self realisation potential. And I guess this solitude is much needed for both experiencing the joy that learning brings; and finding myself for who I truly am and creating my own niche in this world.

And maybe I am beginning to see a silhouette.

Through rose tinted glasses

Listening to Sax on youtube, my heart wells up with emotion. It is such a gorgeous day outside. The weather is perfect. The cloud cover is just right. The temperature is the most comfortable. And this makes me think- how only the Almighty can achieve such perfection!

It amazes me how the most basic things like experiencing the climate, sitting underneath trees, taking a walk on moist grass can make joy bubble inside. You have a involuntary smile plastered on your face. You can't help but be happy in such a mirth filled cocoon.

To add to this perfection would be to be able to share this with the one you love the most! To be able to hold hands and walk would, for me, be the most fulfilling experiences. Call me a mindless romantic, but being that is so much better than not being able to enjoy these pleasures life offers!

While watching a movie yesterday, there was one line in that which said "When you find the right one, you hands will just Fit". Maybe I want a hand that fits....

Whispering wishes

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts,

I wonder about the time when beauty was not lost.

When there flowed beautiful rivers and streams,

When the smoke grays were flowery mauve and greens.

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts,

I wonder about the times when happiness was not lost.

When there were children all around, well and agile,

When going by the beach would’ve been enough for a smile.

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts,

I wonder about the times when honesty was not lost

When stealing and lying was just fantasy,

When justice was not a scorned on ecstasy.

Sitting in a crowd, alone with my thoughts

I wonder about the times when love was not lost

When everyone shared and hugged and respect gleamed,

When peace was not just another dream.

Whoa!!! Unexpected realization!

I just saw photos put up by N on Fb. It was the engagement pics of Amu's sister. All of them were there attending the wedding, all decked up, all so happy! I was elated seeing the pics and I actually felt a part of the festivities.

And then after going o'er the pics numerous times- I stopped- wondered what got on to me to actually keep looking at the same ones so many many times?? I realised then I was trying to live the celebrations through the photographs. Thats when it hit me- I was missing these idiots of my life so much!

If I would've been there, I would've also enjoyed everything from the Mehendi function to the marriage to the reception and the numerous in between arbit bakwass! But then I am here, sitting in lab, in between experiments and missing everything!

Life here didn't seem bad at all, in fact I was (I still am) sooper enjoying it. But the feeling of being home and enjoying these moments with the people you've literally grown up with is so very different. And for the first time after coming to the US, homesickness has hit me.

I wasn't consumed by it for so long, partly because of the nice set of people and the fun times I have here but mostly because of lack of realization of what I was missing back home! And this realization dawned on me when I saw those photographs sans me!

It was taken for granted that whatever photos were posted by N on FB, if it included my group of buddies, I would also be there, standing, grinning so happily to be a part of such an awesome set of people! And this time, I was left searching for the small little me amidst those photos!

Hmmmmmm, whattado! So I go back to my experiment and try to find littly joys in my proteins! :)

Pre-exam bull***t

I post as Kaleidoscope and I realized I haven't really lived up to the name. I don't post on diverse topics and the different colours of life. I haven't written about Obama winning the Nobel, or about the newest film. But then, I post only when something inspires me enough to ramble about it. And maybe nothing has impressed me lately- not even the Nobel decision. I didnt care either way somehow. I should! Wow this is too much apathy! And I will change that. But maybe from the next post!

Anyhow- getting back to me point-Small things over here make me smile and other small things make me cringe... but then.. nothing has yet made me sit up and take notice (ok ok - I can't honestly say 'nothing' ;); one has certainly impressed me enough to want to write; but more about that in another post; when control over my social sensibility has gone for a toss).

And nothing seems to be making me wake up from this unending day dream. For me life here seems like a surreal experience. I get this psychedelic feeling that this is not me but someone else living my life here.

Everyone warned me so many times before coming here that I was going to be home sick and I was going to cry for days on end; I haven't got myself to resign to that fact that its been two months and I haven't felt like crying. I haven't really felt homesick. I have accepted this new life style readily. I come to my apartment and I feel a sense of belonging- like I was almost meant to be there. I wonder if I have really acknowledged this place and the how different it is from home. Because according to everyone's words, the moment that realization would have hit me, I would have been inconsolable. And I am not!

And so I end up feeling day after day the constant pressure that the realization of this not being 'home' would dawn on me. Its like sitting on a time bomb waiting to go boom. It feels weird and it feels weirder to write all this and still not arouse that feeling of 'Oh! Where have I ended up'. But its not bad not to feel that way as long as life remains the same - filled with laughter.

I have noticed one little thing though- I write so much on a blank screen only a day before my exam. And I keep pushing away my books to feed the need for writing mindless rubbish! So, like usual, I shall dismiss these words as psycho babble arising out of nothing but pure inertia of not wanting to study!

Guys are slow- We are obviously a superior race! :)

Courtesy- Faddu's friend! Maybe this statement was copyrighted (As it deserves to be); but I couldn't risk the world not reading it. And when I compared- getting sued for infringement of copyright seemed nothing! :)

Biting my tongue

This post is just to take back what I had written in one of my previous posts- Of Crushes and Intezaars:

There are really really smart guys still alive!!! And they are single!!!! And they will go out on a date!!! Only glitch here is.... They wont with me!

Damn! I don't take back my words after all! :P

The stars and stripes of joy

This post was supposed to be written some time ago.. 6 days ago precisely; when I got out of my lab late evening and the words captured me on my short walk back home. But the absolute masti that goes on with roomies after I reach home prevented me from being able to even switch on the laptop, let alone blog!

But it would have been unfair to those words if they didnt see the light of the blog page! So here I go, with less than 16 hours to go for my second exam- my most unprepared one till date (except the numerous ones back home :)), sitting in my lab, at the risk of being reprimanded by my professor for my joblessness, creating inordinately long sentences and finally begin writing this post! (Phew- that took some skill to come up with! :)). So here goes nothing:

Walking out from morgue like temperature into sunlight,

Thawed by the evening sun gentle and bright,

I think and wonder of the different life I lead here

And I want to recollect all the experiences I've had before they smear!

The nervousness entrenched stay in the first few weeks

Filled with all kinds of observations and new discoveries,

The people, the places, all nice and new,

Making me believe life's not that askew!

Then starting an exciting novel academic journey,

Lab work, courses and earning my first penny,

Numerous number of F**K ups and embarrassment,

But ultimately walking out of the pipet room triumphant!

Later loving and sharing with roomies not so few,

Mock fighting and bizzare teasing as friends would do,

Falling for every second guy I meet,

Living the single life ever so sweet!

Insane and carefree masti all through the weekend,

Later struggling with no proper sleep for days on end,

Going for long midnight walks and talks before an exam

And wrapping up the test thinking 'damn damn damn!'

Celebrating both pot luck festivals and poker scandals,

Interspersed with spontaneous birthday parties and magic candles,

Enjoying pool parties and tucson sky sooper,

Spending nights in absolute drunken stupor!

Now writing this poem with a half eaten brownie in hand

Letting the small little brain with thoughts expand,

Summoning up the memories of all things I've done here,

I finally realize this unique 'American' experience has been very very, dear!

Dreams and Dream like states..

Dreams can be very very irritating! Especially when they reveal your deepest desires; ones that you have supressed a long long time ago.. and u thought they didnt exist!

After such a particular disturbing dream yesterday night, I am sitting here in my lab with so many things to do and yet all I feel like doing is going back to bed and dream another dream to undo the previous one!!!

The weekend has somehow been a little upsetting partially because I havent completed the targets I set for myself but mostly because conflicting thoughts have been running through my head. And the confused soul that I am, I am not able to place what thoughts are actually affecting me!

The best thing to do in such a situation for a person like me is to get to work, finish off the targets and become a much less cranky a person! But then again, I am not able to move my b**t (literally) off this chair.

The whole crazy thoughts time started on friday with a chat with DVD. The nostalgia hit hard about the old times and how they were completely missing now. And how much I loved those times when they were there!!

Then came the department welcome party- awesome-as I had the perfect 'american' evening out for the first time- party and then billiards and then being driven home ;) But then reality was waiting back home for me... and it was irritating to get back to earth and 'India'.

Then came saturday with its nothingness- partial sleeping bouts and complete uselessness. Then a trip to a year back through 'stories' to roomies. This not only brought back the pain of a year ago but also was the prelude to the dream! Only the dream was kind enough to wait for a day to show up!

Then going to bed on a saturday thinking Sunday is the day of work and getting back on track! But then sundays are never a good day to start work. And not surprisingly the sunday got wasted too.

All this happening in the midst of me making a futile attempt to fill in gaps left by one person with another completely different person and feeling terrible about the fact that 'things are just not the same'. Trying to look for the same friendship and mutual comfort and absolute understanding like that with DVD; with PRS- who though is just as protective and caring and very very nice, can never be the same kind of friend as the mindset is extremely different!

Arrrggghhhhh..... anyway letting it all out to my never changing friend 'my blog' has made this irritaing experience a little better and a Monday morning much more bearable!

Happier posts hopefully sometime soon! (One happy fact is I've got in to the habit of blogging again! :D) (Wow! that actually made me feel nice!)

Thinking of a title; thinking of the content!

I have 3 unfinished drafts, 5 unread chapters and 6 crazy thoughts tempting me to not start a new post. But it is 8 Pm and I'm in my lab and I am bored! I guess that's good enough reason isn't it!

I have no clue why I am writing this post. Generally when I begin writing a post, it is usually an extension of an inspiration I've had at 3 in the night. But I just read a blog about someone's first date. I have no idea who she was and how I got on to her blog (Weblinks can take you places- literally! :D); but it was a wonderful read. And after reading that I realised I haven't gone on a first date in 4 years and more so I realised I haven't blogged in what seems like ages!

And Gosh! Its been so long since I've written a post, that the excitement of my first ever post is taking over!

And now this blog ends.... The excitement that made me begin now seems to have vanished in the calls from home and chats with friends! I started this at 8 and now it is 10 and I have come up with nothing.

So instead of continuing this futile attempt, I will end this one and hopefully begin the next one with more enthusiasm and much less distractions!

Singapoora! :)

My school friends will immediately recognize this title as it has been a cheezy, tacky song sung by them ever since they got aquainted with a Merlion (which sings this stupid song)

The Merlion is the symbol (or ambassador) of Singapore- the small obscure fishing village turned Visitors paradise!! (except for singing Merlion imitations, of course!).

Right from the airport till the entire land of just 710 sq.kms, this country and its facilities makes you feel like royalty!

When I came to know I was to have a 10 hour halt in Singapore, before the connecting flight to San Fransisco, I was aghast to say the least. What will you do... for 10 whole hours, alone, in a foreign land?? Apparantly, loads!!

The airport is one of the biggest and even a complete day of touring will not do justice to it. And the facilities provided are just brilliant.

There are FREE internet kiosks everywhere, and even though you can use it only 15 mins at a time, it is completely worth it (you can keep re-logging in). Then, there is FREE gaming zone (video gamers' and children's heaven- there are PS3s and LAN games), FREE music lounge (the seats have in-built speakers- my friend Sandy would've gone completely insane!), and FREE movie theatre (where Star Movies' films run without advertisement interruptions)....

Btw...Did I mention these were FREE!!!!

To top all this, there is FREE tour of the city for 2 hours provided for by the tourism. You can go for this even without a singapore VISA or a permit!!

I went for the colonial tour which was about the history of this young nation. They took us to downtown singapore where all the office buildings were located. Not one of those buildings were less than 30 floors!!! All kind of architecture was seen! With the modern skyline and bridges with an ancient feel, the whole area was gorgeous. (It was a different story altogether that I saw all these half dazed due to lack of sleep in the flight! :D)

How 10 hours passed, I couldnt even realise! And before I knew it, I was on the connecting flight to San Fransisco, where another shock awaited me!!!

Slowly and Steadily- on to America

Its 9th August today, 4 days of American Life,

But with my Kumar mama snoring away to glory near by and Mallika mami cooking dal and rice, things seems exactly how they would have been on a lazy Sunday afternoon in India.

So in all real terms my journey 'alone' into this 'scary country' hasnt begun yet.

But I like this gradual progression- going to a home away from home, getting adjusted (after days of tummy crying becoz of change of food type), and then shifting to a place of my own!

The feeling that maybe everyone experiences on leaving home hasnt hit me hard yet, but then again maybe I'm one of those pampered few :)

The day I left, while I was walking out of my house to the airport, it struck me that I wont be walking out of my own house doors again in atleast a year! Thats when tears kissed my eyes.

But then like J put it so beautifully, a part of me will always remain there with my closest ones; just like a part of them will always be attached to me on this amazing adventure. And this thought immediately made me smile and set me into this task of beginning the adventure for all of us!

And its been 4 days in to the journey, and I am liking it :)

Beautiful read

These are two most wonderful posts I've read in a long time. Extremely to the point and extremely realistic. There is a lot of revelation in these very simple words. And more than anything, there is hope!

http://lettersforall.blogspot.com/2009/06/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-3.html

http://lettersforall.blogspot.com/2009/06/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-1.html

Clueless

For the past few days.. naah... a few weeks.... ok ok.. to be honest.. a few months... I have been wondering.... about life, relationships and happiness... and the revelation has been disappointing.

Life is not fair

Relationships never last.

Happiness is very temporary.

Life can dole out the worst shit to you and not even feel remorse.

Relationships of any kind come with an expiry date.

Happiness a is feeling granted just to fill in the gaps of eternal sorrow.

The last person who would have been writing these very words a year back would have been me. According to people who have known me, I was optimism personified; guess who's wrong now!

I have been given quite a bit of bitterness in the past months. But that comes after many many years of goodness laid on my platter. And I don't know which is real. What I've had for so many years or what seems justified and very much a part of present world; appropriate to the way everyone potrays people. And I have no clue as to whether there is afterall a middle path.

For sometime now I have toyed with the idea of shunning all dependency. Dependency on friends, on a partner, on anyone. Parents come in a different league altogether so they are out of the equation.

The reason I've wanted to do that is because all I have seen in the past few months is unstability. Any problem arises and I see myself losing another person in my life to the easier way out. And I dont want to stuggle anymore to keep any relationships alive either. I have lost belief in any relationship lasting through tough times. So it seems so much better not to be dependent on something that is never going to last.

The reason I have avoided doing that till now is 1) I was scared whether I could deal with all life's shit alone and 2) It was my utmost belief that humans are, by nature, dependent on one another and that is in no way a wrong gesture. Infact the act of sharing was healthy according to me. It lifted everyone out of abyss.

But at the end of the day I realised one thing.... you are alone! You are all ALONE. You either deal with the fact and act accordingly or keep getting disappointed because of expectation.

I always thought; heck believed, I would never be alone. I thought there will be my trusted confidantes always- even through my troubled times with them; but recent events have brought me to doubt it majorly.

Sure there are a lot of people who can provide solutions to certain problems at different points of time. And there are really nice people.

But when it emotional turmoils- to pull out a person from sorrow, there is no one; only you who has to get a grip. And this comes not from my experiences alone but from the fact that even I wasn't emotionally available to someone who needed me. So there is no truth in having people who will lift you out, not with materialistic solutions but with compassion and love. Having blind trust on someone who will never let go or betray is fairy tale.

The fact is that people, at the end of the day, are afraid of emotions- both their own and others'. And they find it best to feign ignorance in such a scenario. To stop believing such emotions exist is the easiest solution.

The problem arises when you are in touch with your feelings. Then comes the conflicting ideas. The whole world believes something to be non-existent, and even though you know very well it is present for you, you start doubting yourself. And for the want of being understood, you categorise such intense complex feelings into predetermined slots assigned by the world, while your inner belief and conscience is kept muffled.

And at the end of the day end up feeling desperate to convey your choked up emotions to someone who would understand. Not agree, not support, not even console. But just plain understand that such things exist!

And when that is not provided for, you feel dependent on people for the support that you will never get. Then comes the feeling of being clingy followed by the feeling of wanting someone to say what you are feeling is infact ok, not right, not wrong, not insane, just ok. Then comes the lack of self belief in your thoughts and lack of belief in your judgement of a situation. Then comes the eternal confusion of what you feel is right and wrong, what you believe in and what you don't.

The rambling on the post itself confirms my very confused state of mind. I wouldnt mind answers to the numerous questions I am posing. Because even the assertive statements are, in fact, questions. Questions which have become beliefs for the want of answers to prove them otherwise.

Yet maybe, it is just my present state of mind that is making me doubt the eternal goodness I've always believed in. And given time, I will be back to my trusting, believing, happily sharing self again (There comes my optimism- maybe all's not lost). I don't know. What I do know is I would love to have someone to talk to about this. Someone who can instill profoundity in this stupidity.

Moist eyes!

I never believed in tears of happiness until today. I never knew some emotions can be so overwhelming that it can bring a flood of tears to my eyes.

But sometimes, when you have completely given up on something, and it comes true, and it means the world to you, the gates just open as if a huuuge weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

It can be when you finally get the offer you have been waiting for or It can even be something as small as someone talking to you the same way they always used to talk. And when you hear the same words of endearment after a long period, it just beings back all the love... and then there is no stopping the emotions.

It brings back hope.. It brings back belief and it brings back the smile!

Rajni Master!

Got this forward from sree... Many might have read it.. but it is hilarious and I couldnt resist putting it up on the site!!! :D

You want to know who is Rajanikanth....here are the facts

Rajanikanth makes onions cry

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycle Bin.

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than
Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights
on,......... .... he turns the dark off.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not
even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and
Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.

Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park
there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no
one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean
Rajanikanth?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the
chance."

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating
pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many
seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first
to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone
standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.
Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he
turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it
gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by
yelling, "Bang!"

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could
use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man,
there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only
recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry
about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square
Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say "no one's perfect", Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

Musings

This post should have been dated one year ago or seven months ago or whatever time Dasvidaniya released. But contrary to so many bad movies I catch, this was one beauty that I missed.

 

I finally got to see the movie today because of Sree’s negligence to bring Luck By Chance. And I can’t thank him enough for having the patience to see this movie the second time. Not that it must have been a task! I would gladly see this again; only at the risk of my company experiencing muffled sniffles of mine.

 

This is one hell of a movie. Each actor is so natural that you never feel the lack of brilliance. And the story line is touching to say the least. It is less of a story than a journey of a man wanting to live life before he dies. Yes you have heard this before, seen this before in many other movies but the man named Vinay Pathak makes sure this experience is unforgettable.

 

The best part as sree said, is that they don’t show the protagonist dying. No KHNH type teary eyed, horribly speaking, gay Shahrukh melodrama. But the way they have picturised everything makes sure genuine tears do brim up.

 

After spending quite some alone time after the movie, I got thinking about my list of ten things to do before I die. And I am lost in post right now.

 

I don’t know what all I want to do. I don’t know even whether I want to do anything in particular. And I don’t know whether it is good or bad… Is it that I have enjoyed and lived every moment of life and am so happy and content with my life that I don’t have any regrets? Or that I just am not able to go beyond my current world and look into the world of possibilities.

 

I want to come up with 10 things… that’s for sure…. even if it just contains thank you notes to the people who have loved me… but .. I have already done that in the last post… But then again…. Can one ever thank these loving people enough??

 

However, this is one promise to myself.. to publish a post of 10 things I want to do before I die. Well, maybe writing it could be one of those 10 things :)

Thanksgiving :)

When God made all of us, he sent some people along to make our life beautiful. 

I am so glad I have found some of them!! :) Thank you God, for being ever so kind!

25 reasons why I love U

1.   For ur utmost honesty!

2.   For being my best friend

3.   For being my sounding board

4.   For loving me in your own special way

5.   For being imperfect

6.   For making those special gestures

7.   For being a jerk and admitting 'The sorry is rumbling in my tummy but is just not coming out'

8.   For treating me like a princess

9.   For being my reality check

10. For always being there (even an hour before an ill-prepared exam for a '2 min I promise' conversation)

11. For never judging me

12. For always pampering me

13. For sharing- ur life, ur thoughts, ur world

14. For valuing my opinions

15. For the way u hug me

16. For the comfort level we share

17. For caring

18. For understanding me- including my stupidities

19. For your stupidities

20. For knowing how to stop my tears

21. For making me smile (and even laugh out loud)

22. For listening to me ramble on (and for loving me for all that)

23. For being more mature yet admitting that u are on the learning curve!

24. For being a part of my life

25. For letting me be a part of urs

Of Crushes and Intezaars

For the past 6 months, it was my firm belief :

There is a serious dearth of good guys... good guys who are single, i mean... 

The really good ones are taken and the rest are just 'sooo not ur type' (translating.. lame!)

But then, a few weeks back, I got in touch with a guy... for convenience sake and to hide my embarrassment, let's call him Rolls Royce!

We used to stay in the same area but then he moved out long long time ago..... and there was no reason for interaction till very recently. We met up at common functions and since I had always had a crush on him (He's cute ya), I took his orkut/fb id etc... and I sent fraaannndddship request on orkut (Thankfully not like that) but couldnt find him on fb...

Then we got on touch thru gtalk and interacted for a few days after which he just vanished from the face of the earth!! 

No response to buzzes, no replies to scraps, no mails to even confirm that he was real..

The sudden disappearance was confusing but I didnt give it too much thought as I assumed he must have gone out of town....  

And then one fine day I did find him on fb (he changed his dp and it was easier to locate) and I added him there. He accepted my friend request... but then again there was no response from his side.. 

Beyond a point, frustrated, I was about to give up when I saw this post on his wall... It was from a girl and her dp was both of them together! such a cute couple they made!!! U can imagine my disappointment!! Another one taken!!! 

Consolations from J that they might just be 'good friends' didn't change my state of mind.. why would good friends put up a dp like that!! :( 

So anyways this whole episode just confirmed my already established theory : 

There is a serious dearth of good guys... good guys who are single, i mean... 

The really good ones are taken and the rest are just 'sooo not ur type' (translating.. lame!) :D

There is no hope of this belief being proved wrong!!! (Even though I secretly hope it will)

So all you prince charmings out there.. here's an open challenge ;) 

P.S. For the technologically challenged,

fb=Facebook, 

dp = Display pic 

Wall= the scrapbook of fb :D

Arrrrggggghhhhhh

Sunday, 6.41 pm, 15th March 2009

My last blog dated 7th march was the last time my mind was clear enough to plonk something on a blank page... After that it has been a whirlwind of emotions leading me to a semi-conscious state... 

First holi... with its after effects... which took two days to wear off...

Then talks, talks and more talks with A which have left me with either too much on my mind or none at all....

Now all I want is to get back to normalcy.... however boring or uninteresting it was! It seems so much more a blissful state.

I want to do my boring studies.. want to write my boring journal and I want to have some normal boring 'aur kya' conversations....

I dont want new information in life... not in small packages and not in bonanza offer!!

I need space... and I need my life back! 

Errrr... Techie ignorance?

7th March, 2009, Saturday, 1.51 Pm

I should rather be writing my journal than scribble here... but the temptation of writing my own thoughts rather than mindless bio rubbish is too much to ignore... (this coming from a person who has fought tooth and nail to convince that bio is not rubbish.... u can well imagine how much the journal writing has frustrated me)

Anyway, the past few days have made me aware of technology and how much I love it! I am the last person who can comment on advanced technology for I am far too ignorant... but it is the smallest of advancements that have made the biggest of difference in my life...

25th of Feb was two of my closest friends' birthday. Till last year all of us used to celebrate it together and it was always a bonanza celebration since we used to get a biig treat! But this year we couldnt since JRS was off in the States and Sandy was only here. Celebrations did take place but the feeling of double extravaganza was sorely missed. Also another one of our firends, O, is merrily freaking out in Ozzie land... And he is almost inaccessable..... So it was a very different celebration this year than the last one.

We all went out for dinner the previous night and the next day we reserved it for a chat thru skype with JRS... I didnt expect anything extraordinary as I thought it would be a normal chat, or at the most a voice chat... But then, I was unaware of the wonders of skype!

We started chatting very very late... poor birthday boy had to wait for almost 2 hours! But as soon as we logged on, we started video conference... and my god.. it felt amazing! To see JRS after almost 7 months was such an awesome feeling... and for him too to see all of us together and have rubbish conversations  just like we used to when he was here was exhilarating!

When the excitement was just going to die down, another surprise package came in the form of O calling up Sandy.. so we asked him to come online too and we had a group chat! JRS in the US, O, in Australia and all of us out here.... that was the best time we spent that day!

It really felt like we were all in the same place once again to pull each other's leg, to torture each other with bad jokes and to have general 'random ;)' masti!!!

Another really cool takkar with technology happened when I had to stick a picture of me on my hall ticket...I always did want to stick a 'new 2009' pic, and not an old 'burdened with memories' pic, but was afraid I wouldnt be able to do so as me being me, I didnt click one until the last minute.... But when I went to the photo shop, I was out with passport pictures of me in less than 3 minutes.... and there was a brand new me on my hall ticket! 

Sometimes the smallest of things makes the biggest of difference.. and this stupid photo clicking was one of those small things... 

And no matter how many ppl comment to this post saying these can't even remotely be called 'Tehnological advancements', it still did the job of bringing a smile to me face and thats enough for me to call whatever these are.... amazing!!! :D

Driving Mania

Feb 25th, Wednesday, 2009

Sometimes I just know it is not the right day to begin writing a new post.. and then sometimes I am just too adamant and I don't listen to myself!!! :D

I have been living up to my last post, albeit not completely. One very wise person said.. timetables are meant to be broken or tweaked... or was that promises??? 

Anyway, I have been getting up every morning (at 6/7 o'clock not at 12 o'clock and passing it off as morning). But I have gone for exercise only on 1 day. My desired company has been too lazy, you see! ;) After my jog, I have my driving practice which I haven't missed a single session of. And I have been awake on most of the days. On the others, the driver teaching me has gone into deep spirituality mode :D. I wouldn't be surprised if he gives up on me soon. He is too polite to be able to curse aloud!

But I was wondering while driving (thinking, not day dreaming) today as to how much driving instructions are different in India and elsewhere: 

In other places, the focus is on knowing the road rules and following them. Here, it is knowing the road rules and knowing that others don't follow them.

There it is honking when necessary. Here, honking is the necessity.

Elsewhere, people focus on driving the car; here we have to focus on driving our car and on others driving theirs to magically predict when they decide to make the turn.  

Also, in other places, driving lanes are followed; here, people devise new ways and means to try and break the pattern!

And this is the best one... in other places, we should have road sense, here we should have the road potholes sense!!!! (My driver today actually taught me how to avoid potholes by judging where my car tires are placed. I didn't know this was a part of learning how to drive!)

It has been a revelation as to how much manual labour one should do to drive an 'AUTOmobile'! But, the driving experience has been awesome fun (for me, I'm not too sure the driver will agree) :D

P.S. I still have almost 20 days of practice sessions left before I can even think of taking the car out on my own, even on an empty street! I just started only a few days ago but as the post suggests, the learning curve has been phenomenal ;) !

P.P.S : Call me sexist, but my mission of this re-learning (I already have a licence but I had lost touch due to lack of practice; hence re-learning) is to be able to NOT drive like a lady driver!!! :D

Running Running

19th Feb, 11.02 PM, 2009

I read in the paper today- 'How to get over mood swings'.... The apt article for me at this point!

I m suffering from a major case of mood swings! 

Sometimes the mood changes are so sudden and so unpredictable that before I can adjust to one mood, I end up in a completely different state of mind! And I am tired of it!

So from the article in the paper, I picked up some tips and I plan to start exercising tomorrow. Apparantly it increases endorphins (in lay man's terms, it is the happy hormone). So from 20th Feb, whether or not Sree plans to join me (which he promised but doesn't seem to keep up the promise :D), I am going for a nice jog on the beach everyday morning!

Another thing that I plan to begin from tomorrow is studies! I finally chalked out a complete timetable.. till the day of the exam and I so want to follow it to the T! I realised I am the kind of person who doesn't like to be idle. Actually, I am the kind of person who others don't like being idle. I become max irritable because of inactivity. I like being busy, doing something constructive always. But I usually need a push (no no.... a major shove) to start anything. The lack of this impetus, makes me sit around lazily through the day and by the end of the day, I am very very irritated with myself! And the irritation spills over to everything around me.

And I end up writing meaningless posts like this one!

But from tomorrow, mood swings will be controlled, mind will not be kept idle, my josh for exercise will be rekindled and you guys will not have to read random ramblings of a demented mind! I promise! :D

Happyness

10th Feb, but timeless!

Ahh the feeling of 'unreasonable' happiness is soo refreshing!!! 

Your jaws ache from all the smiling! Your freinds look at u weirdly since u are dancing about without a reason! There's a skip in your step, a jump in ur move! U throw around 'I love yous' and mean every one of them.  Hugs become a necessity- to both give and receive! There is so much excitement, u dont type properly!

But Happiness is best when you find it this way... unknowingly, without a reason!

Slumdawg!!!!

'India's Films are finally being recognised world wide. It is time for India to shine.' This seems to be the 'Breaking News' on every channel and paper! The media frenzy around Slumdog is at its peak!

People! I have some breaking news of my own:

"Slumdog Millionaire is not an Indian Film"; 

It is just a film about India. 

When a Karan Johar makes a film based in New York, Washington doesn't wake up to say... 'Finally its time for US to shine'

Slumdog is as English a film as Chicago is. It is directed by a Englishman, produced by an English company, made for an English audience. It has just used Indian actors because of the role requirement; just like Lagaan used Captain Russel!

So really what is the hype all about? 

It is no doubt a brilliant film. And A.R. Rahman rocks. And both deserve the glory they got at the Golden Globe. But the film was nominated for the Golden Globe and is being nominated for the Oscars because it is an English Film. Also where else will you nominate an English film? Definitely not at Filmfare, right? It is their award ceremony for their films. And for films as good as Slumdog, that is the best platform to be appreciated.

The only category an Indian Film can be nominated for at the Oscars is 'Best Foreign Film'. And when you are competing with 70 other countries in that category, it is no doubt tough competition.

As for an Indian composer like A.R. Rahman, this film was just another medium where he showcased his impressive mastery over music. True Rahman fans will agree that Slumdog was not Rahman's best work. He has much much better tunes to his credit. But the reason his work is being nominated and has won is because it is for an English Film.

So people! Stop claiming rights for something that is not yours, just the way you do for all the achievements of people across the globe because they have remotely Indian names. 

You need to stand and applaud the work of all the Indians involved with this film, but this film in no way, marks the entry of 'Indian cinema' in Hollywood. It, in fact, opens our eyes to that India to which we have had blinders on for years!

Ok! I admit it!

6.25 PM, Thursday, Jan 29th

I begin writing this post when I know I should have already gone for a bath so that I can be on time for meeting friends. I also know 'Amu' is going to kill me. He told me 500 times already that I am going to be late and I convinced him with more conviction than I had, that I am going to be there before time!

But this is one of those rare confessions! Especially for a person like me, who has enjoyed being (or in A's not so true words, prided myself on being) a tomboy. So I had to pen it down before I chickened out again!

It is time to admit - I just love rom-com mush movies! I don't know what is it about romantic comedies that always, ALWAYS brings a smile on my face. I have seen the crappiest of them, lousiest of them, mushiest of them, funniest of them, but I have enjoyed every one of them.

Just the concept of 'Happy Endings' being a surety is such an adrenaline rush (this statement is lifted from a Mills and Boons book introduction. Now don't ask me how and when I read this line ;) ).

The probability of not being disappointed at the end of any movie is a rare, almost impossible thought in today's world. Which is why such movies are such a welcome break. They assure a 'Happily Ever After'.  

It is just as mood lightening as a B-grade flick is, when watched with a group of equally whacky friends.  You put the TV on mute and try to make up your dialogues and when u have inventors like 'Amu' and 'VB' who can twist any dialogue and make it rapturously hilarious, it is the best time you have spent in the day! And those are the times you cherish forever!

Just like the endings of rom-coms! Maybe the reason I enjoy them so much is because it transports you to a world where all is good. And thats is the kind of place I would like to be in. Maybe I live in my 'ideal world' , but it sure as hell is better than the one we are living in today.

Which brings me back to reality: Reached Poptates very late and got yelled at real bad for being late AGAIN! And apparantly Amu is going to hold it against me for life!! I mean for LIFE!!! Like I told u, real world is very very bad!! :D 

Love Actually!

12.27 AM, 17th January, 6Years!

It is one of those days which you definitely want to remember because u know history is being made. 

It is one of those days where you are overwhelmed with emotion looking at pure unadulterated love around you.

It is one of those days where life seems just and fair and even maybe benevolent!

It is one of those days that makes u believe in love again!

Becoz today is the day my two best friends are celebrating 6 years of togetherness.

There are some people you love......

And then there are some people you love to see together as a couple. 

But life seems its rosiest best when the people you love the most are TOGETHER. 

The icing on this awesome cake is the fact that they are together for 6 years!

Seeing J and her 'Amu' together brings back so many memories; memories I have been privledged enough to witness for all the time they have been with each other. 

There are so many things that make me feel you both are perfect for each other, 

So many little qualites that make me sure you both are going to be with each other forever!  

So many reasons why you both will always be my 'BEST COUPLE'

 

For never losing track of the big picture.. yet experiencing every small joy!

For growing up in 6 years.... yet never failing to pamper the child in each other!

For being each other's shoulder to cry on... yet never failing to bring in that smile!

For being with each other through the times... yet always being yourselves!

And kudos for always ALWAYS keeping the magic intact!

Cheers to you guys and heartfelt love and wishes for many many more anniversaries to come!

Life seems beautiful whenever I see you two with each other!

Love you both sooo very much!

Passion

I read this line on facebook and I just had to share it! This line defines me and my passion for anything! I loved it! 

"It's hard to wait around for something that you know might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

Disclaimer : I particularly told 'I am going to steal this line' to the person from whom I eventually did. So this doesn't count as plagiarism! :D

The art of persuasion

12th January, Monday, 2.15 PM

On one of those previously rare, but now very regular, boring days, I came across this film of Morgan Freeman called '10 Items or less'.. a praise-worthy film. It is one of those films which you either think as a beautiful depiction of how to live life or you dismiss it as mindless.

Maybe because of the state of mind I was in, I found this film very clever. It simplifies those gloried talks of loving and living life and converys the message mildly and beautifully. There is a retired actor (Freeman) who finally decides to take up a script and in order to study his role of a convenience store manager, he goes to this remote store, and there he comes across a check out counter girl. She is a girl who had had many dreams but had given it all up because of circumstances. Now she wants to pursue them again but is scared she will fail. The movie is the journey of Freeman making the girl believe in herself and she, in turn, making Freeman believe in the spirit of good-will and happiness. It is up to you as to how much you want to gain from that film. It does not push its message down your throat.

But what makes me write this post is not the film itself but one aspect of it which I saw a live demonstration of in our very own local train. At the convenience store, there is this sales lady who has to convince the patrons to buy a mop even if they dont need it; something like a real life tele shopping network! But she has to be so good that the patrons think they are getting the best deal possible. So when Freeman asks her to teach him how she does it, she shows him some tricks: 1) The nodding of the head continuously which makes the buyers also nod involuntarily

2) The perfect places to lift your hand and hold the product in full view

3) To maintain eye contact

4) To make it look as if you completely believe in the product

5) To smile and keep saying to random people 'So yes there we have one buyer' and ultimately they end up buying it.

So when I was on my way to classes, there was this salesman on the train selling a hand juicer. It was a small steel structure with which u can squuze out orange or lime juice by inserting it in the fruit. What was interesting about this whole observation was that he was following the sales girl's pointers to the T. It was as if he has just seen the movie and is implementing every instruction. The style of handling his product, the eye contact, the nodding and the belief in this product! He made every housewife in my compartment buy one of his strange looking steel structures. 

No idea whether the 'juicer' works or not... but his selling strategy definitely did and I was mighty impressed!  

Happy 2009

Friday, Jan 2nd, 2009

Ahhh.... finally it has arrived!!! After 12 months of a directionless life, the new year has arrived-- to give another change to get things right this time.... 

When I began writing this post, I wanted to write about all the things I would like to forget about 2008- the crappy year that it is was... but then i said to myself, if I do want to forget them, then why write them at all in the first place!!!! :)

I look back and I see a lot of mistakes and numerous number of fuck ups! But I am hoping that all I get to recollect about 2008 is only the lessons I learnt in life and not how I learnt them.

 

So instead, here I am, writing about my dreams, my hopes and my wishes for a wonderful 2009. To live life wonderfully

To love unconditionally and 

To laugh uncontrollably!!!

And when you have people who will let you enjoy this kind of freedom, nothing else matters!! Not a crappy previous year, not a directionless 4 months!!

So here's to a great great year ahead... a year that will embellish my blog name (smilethrulife) and enhance my blog title! Here's to a 'New Beginning' .... really!!! :)