The stars and stripes of joy

This post was supposed to be written some time ago.. 6 days ago precisely; when I got out of my lab late evening and the words captured me on my short walk back home. But the absolute masti that goes on with roomies after I reach home prevented me from being able to even switch on the laptop, let alone blog!

But it would have been unfair to those words if they didnt see the light of the blog page! So here I go, with less than 16 hours to go for my second exam- my most unprepared one till date (except the numerous ones back home :)), sitting in my lab, at the risk of being reprimanded by my professor for my joblessness, creating inordinately long sentences and finally begin writing this post! (Phew- that took some skill to come up with! :)). So here goes nothing:

Walking out from morgue like temperature into sunlight,

Thawed by the evening sun gentle and bright,

I think and wonder of the different life I lead here

And I want to recollect all the experiences I've had before they smear!

The nervousness entrenched stay in the first few weeks

Filled with all kinds of observations and new discoveries,

The people, the places, all nice and new,

Making me believe life's not that askew!

Then starting an exciting novel academic journey,

Lab work, courses and earning my first penny,

Numerous number of F**K ups and embarrassment,

But ultimately walking out of the pipet room triumphant!

Later loving and sharing with roomies not so few,

Mock fighting and bizzare teasing as friends would do,

Falling for every second guy I meet,

Living the single life ever so sweet!

Insane and carefree masti all through the weekend,

Later struggling with no proper sleep for days on end,

Going for long midnight walks and talks before an exam

And wrapping up the test thinking 'damn damn damn!'

Celebrating both pot luck festivals and poker scandals,

Interspersed with spontaneous birthday parties and magic candles,

Enjoying pool parties and tucson sky sooper,

Spending nights in absolute drunken stupor!

Now writing this poem with a half eaten brownie in hand

Letting the small little brain with thoughts expand,

Summoning up the memories of all things I've done here,

I finally realize this unique 'American' experience has been very very, dear!

Dreams and Dream like states..

Dreams can be very very irritating! Especially when they reveal your deepest desires; ones that you have supressed a long long time ago.. and u thought they didnt exist!

After such a particular disturbing dream yesterday night, I am sitting here in my lab with so many things to do and yet all I feel like doing is going back to bed and dream another dream to undo the previous one!!!

The weekend has somehow been a little upsetting partially because I havent completed the targets I set for myself but mostly because conflicting thoughts have been running through my head. And the confused soul that I am, I am not able to place what thoughts are actually affecting me!

The best thing to do in such a situation for a person like me is to get to work, finish off the targets and become a much less cranky a person! But then again, I am not able to move my b**t (literally) off this chair.

The whole crazy thoughts time started on friday with a chat with DVD. The nostalgia hit hard about the old times and how they were completely missing now. And how much I loved those times when they were there!!

Then came the department welcome party- awesome-as I had the perfect 'american' evening out for the first time- party and then billiards and then being driven home ;) But then reality was waiting back home for me... and it was irritating to get back to earth and 'India'.

Then came saturday with its nothingness- partial sleeping bouts and complete uselessness. Then a trip to a year back through 'stories' to roomies. This not only brought back the pain of a year ago but also was the prelude to the dream! Only the dream was kind enough to wait for a day to show up!

Then going to bed on a saturday thinking Sunday is the day of work and getting back on track! But then sundays are never a good day to start work. And not surprisingly the sunday got wasted too.

All this happening in the midst of me making a futile attempt to fill in gaps left by one person with another completely different person and feeling terrible about the fact that 'things are just not the same'. Trying to look for the same friendship and mutual comfort and absolute understanding like that with DVD; with PRS- who though is just as protective and caring and very very nice, can never be the same kind of friend as the mindset is extremely different!

Arrrggghhhhh..... anyway letting it all out to my never changing friend 'my blog' has made this irritaing experience a little better and a Monday morning much more bearable!

Happier posts hopefully sometime soon! (One happy fact is I've got in to the habit of blogging again! :D) (Wow! that actually made me feel nice!)

Thinking of a title; thinking of the content!

I have 3 unfinished drafts, 5 unread chapters and 6 crazy thoughts tempting me to not start a new post. But it is 8 Pm and I'm in my lab and I am bored! I guess that's good enough reason isn't it!

I have no clue why I am writing this post. Generally when I begin writing a post, it is usually an extension of an inspiration I've had at 3 in the night. But I just read a blog about someone's first date. I have no idea who she was and how I got on to her blog (Weblinks can take you places- literally! :D); but it was a wonderful read. And after reading that I realised I haven't gone on a first date in 4 years and more so I realised I haven't blogged in what seems like ages!

And Gosh! Its been so long since I've written a post, that the excitement of my first ever post is taking over!

And now this blog ends.... The excitement that made me begin now seems to have vanished in the calls from home and chats with friends! I started this at 8 and now it is 10 and I have come up with nothing.

So instead of continuing this futile attempt, I will end this one and hopefully begin the next one with more enthusiasm and much less distractions!

Singapoora! :)

My school friends will immediately recognize this title as it has been a cheezy, tacky song sung by them ever since they got aquainted with a Merlion (which sings this stupid song)

The Merlion is the symbol (or ambassador) of Singapore- the small obscure fishing village turned Visitors paradise!! (except for singing Merlion imitations, of course!).

Right from the airport till the entire land of just 710 sq.kms, this country and its facilities makes you feel like royalty!

When I came to know I was to have a 10 hour halt in Singapore, before the connecting flight to San Fransisco, I was aghast to say the least. What will you do... for 10 whole hours, alone, in a foreign land?? Apparantly, loads!!

The airport is one of the biggest and even a complete day of touring will not do justice to it. And the facilities provided are just brilliant.

There are FREE internet kiosks everywhere, and even though you can use it only 15 mins at a time, it is completely worth it (you can keep re-logging in). Then, there is FREE gaming zone (video gamers' and children's heaven- there are PS3s and LAN games), FREE music lounge (the seats have in-built speakers- my friend Sandy would've gone completely insane!), and FREE movie theatre (where Star Movies' films run without advertisement interruptions)....

Btw...Did I mention these were FREE!!!!

To top all this, there is FREE tour of the city for 2 hours provided for by the tourism. You can go for this even without a singapore VISA or a permit!!

I went for the colonial tour which was about the history of this young nation. They took us to downtown singapore where all the office buildings were located. Not one of those buildings were less than 30 floors!!! All kind of architecture was seen! With the modern skyline and bridges with an ancient feel, the whole area was gorgeous. (It was a different story altogether that I saw all these half dazed due to lack of sleep in the flight! :D)

How 10 hours passed, I couldnt even realise! And before I knew it, I was on the connecting flight to San Fransisco, where another shock awaited me!!!

Slowly and Steadily- on to America

Its 9th August today, 4 days of American Life,

But with my Kumar mama snoring away to glory near by and Mallika mami cooking dal and rice, things seems exactly how they would have been on a lazy Sunday afternoon in India.

So in all real terms my journey 'alone' into this 'scary country' hasnt begun yet.

But I like this gradual progression- going to a home away from home, getting adjusted (after days of tummy crying becoz of change of food type), and then shifting to a place of my own!

The feeling that maybe everyone experiences on leaving home hasnt hit me hard yet, but then again maybe I'm one of those pampered few :)

The day I left, while I was walking out of my house to the airport, it struck me that I wont be walking out of my own house doors again in atleast a year! Thats when tears kissed my eyes.

But then like J put it so beautifully, a part of me will always remain there with my closest ones; just like a part of them will always be attached to me on this amazing adventure. And this thought immediately made me smile and set me into this task of beginning the adventure for all of us!

And its been 4 days in to the journey, and I am liking it :)

Beautiful read

These are two most wonderful posts I've read in a long time. Extremely to the point and extremely realistic. There is a lot of revelation in these very simple words. And more than anything, there is hope!

http://lettersforall.blogspot.com/2009/06/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-3.html

http://lettersforall.blogspot.com/2009/06/if-i-knew-then-what-i-know-now-1.html

Clueless

For the past few days.. naah... a few weeks.... ok ok.. to be honest.. a few months... I have been wondering.... about life, relationships and happiness... and the revelation has been disappointing.

Life is not fair

Relationships never last.

Happiness is very temporary.

Life can dole out the worst shit to you and not even feel remorse.

Relationships of any kind come with an expiry date.

Happiness a is feeling granted just to fill in the gaps of eternal sorrow.

The last person who would have been writing these very words a year back would have been me. According to people who have known me, I was optimism personified; guess who's wrong now!

I have been given quite a bit of bitterness in the past months. But that comes after many many years of goodness laid on my platter. And I don't know which is real. What I've had for so many years or what seems justified and very much a part of present world; appropriate to the way everyone potrays people. And I have no clue as to whether there is afterall a middle path.

For sometime now I have toyed with the idea of shunning all dependency. Dependency on friends, on a partner, on anyone. Parents come in a different league altogether so they are out of the equation.

The reason I've wanted to do that is because all I have seen in the past few months is unstability. Any problem arises and I see myself losing another person in my life to the easier way out. And I dont want to stuggle anymore to keep any relationships alive either. I have lost belief in any relationship lasting through tough times. So it seems so much better not to be dependent on something that is never going to last.

The reason I have avoided doing that till now is 1) I was scared whether I could deal with all life's shit alone and 2) It was my utmost belief that humans are, by nature, dependent on one another and that is in no way a wrong gesture. Infact the act of sharing was healthy according to me. It lifted everyone out of abyss.

But at the end of the day I realised one thing.... you are alone! You are all ALONE. You either deal with the fact and act accordingly or keep getting disappointed because of expectation.

I always thought; heck believed, I would never be alone. I thought there will be my trusted confidantes always- even through my troubled times with them; but recent events have brought me to doubt it majorly.

Sure there are a lot of people who can provide solutions to certain problems at different points of time. And there are really nice people.

But when it emotional turmoils- to pull out a person from sorrow, there is no one; only you who has to get a grip. And this comes not from my experiences alone but from the fact that even I wasn't emotionally available to someone who needed me. So there is no truth in having people who will lift you out, not with materialistic solutions but with compassion and love. Having blind trust on someone who will never let go or betray is fairy tale.

The fact is that people, at the end of the day, are afraid of emotions- both their own and others'. And they find it best to feign ignorance in such a scenario. To stop believing such emotions exist is the easiest solution.

The problem arises when you are in touch with your feelings. Then comes the conflicting ideas. The whole world believes something to be non-existent, and even though you know very well it is present for you, you start doubting yourself. And for the want of being understood, you categorise such intense complex feelings into predetermined slots assigned by the world, while your inner belief and conscience is kept muffled.

And at the end of the day end up feeling desperate to convey your choked up emotions to someone who would understand. Not agree, not support, not even console. But just plain understand that such things exist!

And when that is not provided for, you feel dependent on people for the support that you will never get. Then comes the feeling of being clingy followed by the feeling of wanting someone to say what you are feeling is infact ok, not right, not wrong, not insane, just ok. Then comes the lack of self belief in your thoughts and lack of belief in your judgement of a situation. Then comes the eternal confusion of what you feel is right and wrong, what you believe in and what you don't.

The rambling on the post itself confirms my very confused state of mind. I wouldnt mind answers to the numerous questions I am posing. Because even the assertive statements are, in fact, questions. Questions which have become beliefs for the want of answers to prove them otherwise.

Yet maybe, it is just my present state of mind that is making me doubt the eternal goodness I've always believed in. And given time, I will be back to my trusting, believing, happily sharing self again (There comes my optimism- maybe all's not lost). I don't know. What I do know is I would love to have someone to talk to about this. Someone who can instill profoundity in this stupidity.